This morning I woke up and thought, I wonder if I am the only one?
As I shared on our podcast episode, Sexual Anorexia and My Secret Life of Shame, I struggle with connecting in with my sexuality. For years it has brought me shame.
Last night I went to bed and snuggled up to Jon. I was having a difficult time falling asleep which is unusual for me.
“You are really snuggly tonight,” he said. “Do you think you are feeling sexual?”
The automatic shutdown sequence began. “Nooo. I am not sexual,” I replied. I wanted to say, “how silly of you to ask, that is ridiculous.” I moved my body away in protest.
To be honest, I felt an inkling of my sexuality. It is difficult to tell. Now that I know about my repression it is an ongoing exercise to really connect with my truth. Part of me wants healing, and part of me wants to continue the shutdown and avoidance I have practiced for years.
I tossed and turned all night as two very strong parts of me wrestled with each other. One desired to be free to speak the words to Jon and the other desired to tuck the need back into the Secret Room where it has lived for decades.
It turns out Jon was right. His body reads my cues better than I do at this point which is frustrating. And yet, I choose to keep trying, to keep connecting, to keep loving myself where I am. When the shame seeps in, I speak of it. And so I speak of it to you, perhaps to let you know you are not the only one.
Some of us haven’t had sex for months, or years. Some of us pretend to have orgasms. Some of us desire more intimacy in our relationships but have hit a brick wall and feel stuck. The truth is we all journey. Let’s not compare or judge what we carry, but choose to carry our stuff alongside one another.
There is no shame in where we are. There is nothing we “should be doing” or “should not be doing.” There is just us and this place we are at doing our best. We are all okay right where we are even with our sexuality.
So, today I am picking up my backpack again and shaking off the shame bits once more. I am choosing to own my story and to trust in the journey.
If you want someone to wander the trails with just look for this girl. I am ready to be here for you.
Lots of Love, Jema
(Photo by Jason Blackeye)