In this episode of our relationship podcast Something Like Marriage, we talk about what is it like to be depressed? I share with Jon what it felt like for me as I struggled with depression, shame, and motherhood.
The Baby Blues are what really tipped the scales of depression for me as a young mother. The hormonal influx after delivering my children would send me time and time again into a downward spiral of clinical depression. My moods were off, my thinking was gone, and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
It was after my third child that I started to have thoughts of ending my life. I was in so much pain in my life, so exhausted, and my brain chemicals were so out of balance that I was no longer thinking realistically. This story has brought a lot of guilt and shame along my journey of motherhood. I am finally at a place where I can share it with you today.
What is it Like to Be Depressed?
What is it like to be depressed? If you can imagine waking up every day with the pain of a broken arm, that is what the pain of depression felt like. The pain of the broken arm would go away with sleep, but come back the minute I would open my eyes. It wasn’t getting better or healing, it was broken. The pain was getting more intense, and the infection more severe only, I was the only one who knew my arm was broken. Others may have looked at my arm and said, “Your arm looks fine. Why are you sad? Why don’t you just get up and be happy? You don’t have a broken arm.”
What is it like to be depressed? It is like treading water in the ocean, another wave and you think you are not going to come back up for air. You fight. You come back up for another breath. You are exhausted from trying to stay afloat, you don’t know when the next wave will hit you. You sink a little more every day. Coming up for air less often. Getting carried away in the current more frequently, seeing more darkness and less light. It seems inevitable that you will drown. After a while, you begin to believe it might be better for everyone if you just got it over with.
Understanding depression is difficult if you have not personally experienced the hopelessness. Today, I share with you more about what it is like to be depressed and the shame I had as a mother, as well as the moment I knew I needed to seek help.
(Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Jong Marshes)
Relationship Podcast Gems:
- What is depression
- Postpartum baby blues and depression
- SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) related to depression from a change in the seasons
- Listen to part one Depression and Marriage: We Tell Our Story
Stream “Understanding Depression”
Your Next Steps:
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